kissntell_87's Xanga

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 05:29:18 GMT

omg! don't get mad people! I moved again! I swear, this is the last time!

www.myspace.com/kissntell_87

Friday, January 20, 2006

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 06:24:37 GMT

Does me taking a semester off of school make me a loser??? Because I don't think so. I think I made the right decision. And it's not like it was a quick, drastic decision--I talked to my mom about it. I mean, we actually talked about it. And even before we talked about it, I'd been thinking about it to myself since winter break.

I understand that it all goes by so much faster if you just keep going--go to high school, go to college, go to grad school--and BAM! You got what they call a successful life. Now I want to be successful, and I know that going to college and gettin' myself an education will help me achieve that, but I just felt like taking a semester off would help me sort things out...get my thoughts straight...get it together, you know? Because Lord knows, I do not have it together. My life issues are over here, over there, drama to my left, anxiety on my right, misery all around...I don't think it's right when people ask me, "what have you been up to? what are you doing with your life now?" and my fuckin', pathetic answer is, "I don't know." I should know. I thought I knew...but it all changed.

I had my mind set on becoming an Interior Designer. But over time I just realized I had to think more realistically. I could pursue that dream of becoming an Interior Designer, but it would be a very hard, draining, competitive, struggle that I don't think I'd really be able to handle. Then I thought about majoring in Elementary Education. Then I thought about the corporate world. Then I thought about computer technology. Then I thought about screwing it all and just majoring in what'll make my parents happy--Nursing. That's when I knew I needed help!

I noticed that I was less focused on my actual school work, and so stressed out about what to major in and more focused on...everything else that was going on around me. I worried about my mom and the rest of my family most of the time...and then keeping in touch with my friends...and then having to adjust living with my boyfriend. There was also work and having to think about money...it was just too much...so I went back home, told my parents all the crazy thoughts that were running through my head...I basically admitted all my mistakes.

So I had about a few weeks left to register for the spring semester and I passed up on it. But of course, I didn't do it without talking it through with my parents. And surprisingly, they're being really supportive about it. Actually, let me rephrase that--my mom is being really supportive about it. She knows I intend on going back...and as long as she knows that and she believes in me, then that's all that matters to me for now. It's enough to keep my head up.

Now that I'm back home, I take my mom's thoughts and her say more into consideration, because she does the same for me now. I see it and I appreciate it and I think twice before bullshitting her, you know? But as for my dad, he can stay as far and distant all he wants. No change from him towards me. No change from me towards him...

*sigh* I had to let all this out. I feel better now...I'm confident that I'm doing what's best for me. And I know that once I go back to school next semester, that confidence will have grown and I'll be right where I should be in my life.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 20:35:04 GMT

I was meaning to post last night...but then I saw that American Idol was on t.v. Sorry! I ended up watching it and laughing about it over the phone with Abby! They were showing the auditions from Chicago--Chicago was a big disappointment, if ya ask me. Anyhoo, I just got back from work...I got Ellen in the background...she's too funny. Just wanted to update and let'cha all know I'm still breathin'...

Tonight's plans: chillax with my mommy in front of the t.v and watch American Idol and of course, One Tree Hill. Also, find out if my boyfriend is alive.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 03:00:39 GMT

HERE'S THE 411 SINCE MY LAST ENTRY:

Tuesday: All work and no play--and no sleep, either. Helped Michael clean out his car, which got broken into the night before. Glass everywhere. Satelite radio--gone. Phone charger--gone. iPod charger--gone. Even his fuckin' eye-glasses--gone.

It pisses me the fuck off to know that that's how certain people get through life. That's how certain people make their living--by stealing. Those certain people don't give a damn how other people bust their shit off to get what they want. How cold-hearted...how absurd...how ignorant. So I just hope karma bites them in the ass and they get what they deserve.

Wednesday: Went to work. Went home. Went to sleep.

Thursday: Went to work, of course. Then got a call from Salvador. Some crap happened to him, as well. Decided to visit him and comfort him. Talked over dinner. Then made my way home. Talked to my mom about school. Ended up aruging with my mom about school. Took a shower. Made myself some hot cocoa. Snuggled into my bedsheets. Cracked open a book. Clock struck midnight. Heard my mom get up to use the washroom. Then I heard her call my name. Came out from my room. Found my mom in her room sitting up...telling me she wasn't feeling well. Reached for her hand. Felt her forehead. She was sweating like crazy. Then I called Michael to come upstairs. Then she started shaking. Then she told us she was having chest pains. Decided to call her doctor. Her doctor told us to take her to the Emergency Room. Helped my mom get into her jacket...helped her put on some shoes...helped her into the car. Made some phone calls while Michael drove. Finally got to the ER. Answered some questions. Placed my mom into a room. Hooked her up to some machines. Drew what seemed like a gallon of blood from her so they could run some test. Covered her in like, five blankets because she kept shaking and telling us how cold she was. Kept wiping her tears every other minute and tried so hard to hold back mine. So much was racing through my head. So much hate towards myself and a little voice inside saying, "she's in here because of you." My dad walked in. Michael and I left them alone for a little while. I went outside...didn't wanna breathe the hospital air...but somehow, it still felt like I was. It made my stomach turn. Sat down on the curb and cried by myself. Only gave myself two minutes. Then I wiped my eyes and went back to my mom's room. We were there for hours...then my dad told me and Michael to go home and get some sleep. I went home but I hardly slept. I just laid in bed...thought about my mom and my family. Marian came over. We talked. Kept each other in good spirits. Then went to go see mom. She was sleeping when we got there. We woke her up by talking... but she seemed happy to see us. It turns out my mom had a pretty bad panic attack the other night due to stress build-up. And when the nurse told us this, I looked like this . I was waiting for my sister or my dad--or even my mom to say, "see, look what you did." And I was hoping none of them would do it (because I know I've stressed out a lot of people with the shit that I've done and I couldn't bear to hear that right then and there)...and they didn't. For the rest of the night, I just held my mom's hand and felt her warmth...and just appreciated her.

She was finally discharged from the hospital at around midnight. *woohoo!!*

Saturday: Hung out at home. My dad took my mom to the doctor's in the afternoon for another thorough check-up. She also got some of her test results back--and let's just say I'm gonna really, really, really try my best and hardest to stay out of trouble and not give my parents such a hard time! My mom's doing alright and I'm just happy that she's back home. For the rest of the day, Marian and I rented movies and vegged out in front of the tv! I'm sure mom was happy to see her two daughters home...being lazy asses! -hehe...

Today: I woke up at around one in the afternoon! Marian came by and she and I went to Borders at around three. She did some paperwork while I explored and bought some books. *I love books!* Then we skimmed through a bunch of magazines while sippin' our coffee, then we headed home to eat daddy's yummy cookin'!!

So yeah...it looks like I had a hell of a week! I wonder what's in store for me this week...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 02:38:17 GMT

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BUTTMUNCH!!! WOOHOO, 4 YEARS AND WE'RE STILL NOT SICK OF EACH OTHER!!!

I remember it all oh, so well. On this day, four years ago, I met Salvador for the very first time. My girls and I had just got out of school and we were all waiting for the bus. A few of our guy friends were waiting for the bus as well, and I knew all the guys except for Salvador--and I guess that's why I noticed him so quickly. So my buddies introduced me to him--"Marilyn, this is Salvador...Salvador, this is Marilyn."

After that, my girlfriends asked me if I wanted to go to the little corner store across the street from the bus stop. I said yes, and so I went. I got myself some hot cocoa because it was so cold outside waiting for that bus...but shortly after I crossed the street, I spilled it! I guess Salvador over heard me whining about how I wanted another cup of hot cocoa but I was just too lazy to go back, cuz after a few minutes I felt someone tap my shoulder and it was him, smiling at me, with a fresh new cup of hot cocoa! All he said was, "Here you go." I smiled back at him...kinda couldn't believe it...and in my head I was thinking, 'whatta sucka! whatta cornball!...I think I like him!'

You know the rest is history!

The day we actually hooked up was January 14th, but we both didn't want our first month anniversary to fall on Valentine's Day. Why? Because we're weird. Because we both wanted to feel like it was our day--not everybody else's...not some crappy-ass, hallmark holiday! So we changed it! We decided to make our anniversary fall on the first day we met...it's significant enough to remember...it wasn't like we raffled our anniversary date! Plus, and I know this is gonna sound really corny, he knew he wanted to be with me the first day we met, and I knew I wanted to be with him.

And so here we are... Now I'm not saying what we have is all pretty and perfect and fine and dandy--HA! We're soooo far from that! But it's okay, cuz what we have is ours and we're happy with what we have. We've had our share of bad times...dark times...and just like every other couple out there, we've taken "breaks" and we've tried to "just be friends" and we've tried to see what life would be like without the other. And it sucks. We've had people put down our relationship...we've had people tell us that we're not going to last...we've had people do everything that they possibly could to break us apart...and all they really did was make our love for each other stronger.

And now I must say that with all the bullshit that has come our way (thanks to one another), I'm in disbelief that we haven't tried to strangle each other...hehehe, I guess we really are in love! So here are the lyrics to a song that pretty much sums everything up...*LOVE U, MY LITTLE PIRANHA!!! LoL!!*

Be Without You
(Mary J. Blige)

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

Chemistry was crazy from the get-go
Neither one of us knew why
We didn't build nothing overnight
Cuz a love like this takes some time
People swore it off as a phase
Said we can't see that
Now from top to bottom
They see that we did that (yes)
It's so true that (yes)
We've been through it (yes)
We got real sh*t (yes)
See baby we been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

I got a question for ya--see already know the answer
But still I wanna ask you, would you lie? (no)
Make me cry? (no)
Do somethin' behind my back and then try to cover it up?
Well, neither would I, baby
My love is only your love (yes)
I'll be faithful (yes)
I'm for real (yes)
And with us you'll always know the deal
We've been...

See this is real talk
I'ma always stay (no matter what)
Good or bad (thick and thin)
Right or wrong (all day, everyday)
Now if you're down on love or don't believe
This ain't for you
And if you got it deep in your heart
And deep down you know that it's true
Well, let me see you put your hands up
Fellas, tell your lady she's the one
Ladies, let him know he's got your love
Look him right in his eyes and tell him
We've been...

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 23:25:24 GMT

My cousin just left to fly back home to Florida...I miss him already! I hate this feeling... It sucks! Who's gonna watch One Tree Hill with me? Who's gonna stay up with me 'til four in the morning? Who am I gonna boss around? -hehe...just kidding about that last one! Kinda. *sigh* I'm so bored...

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 07:52:24 GMT

this is just a random post but...

how many of you care about how many friends you have??? Do you believe in the more the better??? Well, I hope not because if you do then you fail to see the bigger (and brighter) picture...

I can count the number of friends I have on one hand. I'm talkin' about true friends. I never once thought that their friendship was fake or phony. To me, if you're gonna consider someone to be your friend--then you gotta stick to the relationship because that's exactly what it is--a relationship. I mean, if you have a boyfriend and you never call him or talk to him or show any kind of interest in him anymore, do you think the relationship with your boyfriend is going to last??? It's the same thing with friendship.

To me, a friend is someone who doesn't rush to your side, but stays by your side. A friend should be someone you're comfortable talking to...someone you can confide in...someone trustworthy. A friend doesn't put you down, but lifts you up when you're feeling low. A friend doesn't care about your appearances or what you consider to be "fashionable". It shouldn't matter where the hell you hang out...downtown at the trendiest restaurant or in your cramped up bedroom! As long as you guys enjoy each others company none of it should matter!

There's also that thing called compromising! Yeah, you need to learn how to do that in order to keep a real friendship! I don't think I need to go into detail...it's common sense. I've had my share of compromises...and I've also had my share of being taken advantage of--it ain't fun. It's not okay and it's not something you deal with if you're dealing with TRUE friends.

I've cut a lot of people out of my life--loose strings that were attached and I didn't feel like I had to carry the weight around anymore. I feel lighter now...it's kinda hard to explain, but I don't stress about my friendships with certain people like I did before. I'm more ME than I've ever been and it's cool and comforting to know that CERTAIN people see it, notice it, accept it--THEY'RE STILL MY FRIENDS!!

So my friends know who they are--I just want them to know that I appreciate them, value them, look up to them, LOVE THEM...and if it wasn't for them, I'd be lost...

...and really, really, really lonely!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 21:33:59 GMT

I just got out of work a while ago and I'm really tired. I don't even know why I'm updating right now--all I'm thinking about is how tired I am and how much I wanna go to bed! My cousin David is here from Florida and we've been going to bed at like, four in the morning this whole week! I guess it's okay for him since he's on vacation--but it's not okay for me. I start work at ten and I'm always feelin' exhausted! Yeah...I know, I'm doin' this to myself! But David and I have this addiction--we can't stop watching my One Tree Hill DVDs!! We stay up all night tryna get through all the episodes! We love the teenage drama!

Oh gosh...did I just confess that??? I need sleep...

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 01:32:24 GMT

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION: LIVE IT UP. right, Abby?!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 01:26:54 GMT

It felt so good to be with him once again...so good to be held...so good to be kissed and told "I love you"... Two hours just sitting on the couch...talking one-on-one, non-stop about a bunch of things...only two hours and it made the rest of my day complete.